Got another reply from Grace Dent.

Hey Emma- have just laughed out loudly at your description of Glyn. I love the bit about him standing silently in the pub, until he's had enough WKD then he slurs, 'I like your bra-straps!'

thanks again for the laughs- Gxxx

Do you think she loves me? Or could ever love me? I know that I love her. Because amongst other spleen curdlingly sarcastic blog entries, she wrote this:

"Yer all right der, lad!" coos Mikey to Glyn kindly, finally giving the nation something to form an opinion about the scouser on. Last Friday when Davina yelled, "And to vote Mikey…!" an eerie silence followed his name. No boos, no cheers, just the sound of a distant crisp bag blowing through Borehamwood town centre."

http://www.myspace.com/peachesislife

The midwife

Before the birth

Back in her size 8 jeans before the weekend

* swallowing a pencil and puncturing his windpipe
* getting blind drunk (aged 83) and falling down a hole round the back of the pub, pulling a beer barrel on top of him for extra fun as he fell
* falling off a ladder 3 storeys up
* crashing his car, refusing all help from a paramedic, telling them to bugger off and heading straight to the pub
* falling asleep at the wheel whilst driving me home from school

"Hey Emma- thank you for your mail. Very well put. She's driving me mad too.
Who would have thought that one daft girl could cause so much national hatred? Imagine how her mother must feel?

Every time I think that maybe Grace is being badly edited, I put on the E4 live feed and she's there calling Susie and old, wrinkly cow. I hope Davina who is nearly 40 herself has something to say about this.

Really should try to leave the house now and forget about all this
thanks again- Gracex"

Wow! That's so much better than my Ruth Badger reply. She just told me I should stay at home and make tea.

Got a MySpace add too. Double wow!

I found this a very amusing read, and so, to commemorate the arrival of Halliwell Junior, have decided to interview Slag Cat, our pregnant moggy, also a single mother who's getting up the duff was a 'happy accident'. I will be using a very similar in-depth technique to that of Hello magazine, in the I will be copying their questions and Geri's answers straight onto the page.

With the birth of a small sweet daughter, girl power has doubled for the former Ginger Spice, Geri Halliwell...the top floor of her temporary home in north London has become a nursery paradise...the whole flower-filled house seems a homage to new life

Speaking from her rustic barn conversion in deepest West Wales, Slag Cat, a sleek grey feline from unknown parentage contemplates the birth of her nine illegitimate kittens, and the challenges that raising them alone on a box of Go-Cat a week will bring.

Is there a man in your life right now?

G: No, and to be honest I don't really care. I'm a bit too consumed by my baby.

SC: No, and to be honest, there never was, it was a quickie behind the garden shed, I never even caught his name

How well prepared were you to give birth?

G: A nutritionist I saw back in LA helped ensure everything I was eating was spot-on and she encouraged excercise and yoga. That really changed the whole spin of what pregnancy meant to me. I asked what I could do really to support this whole pregnancy process and embrace it.ust carrying on life as normal.

SC: Nothing's changed, I'm still squeezing into small spaces, hanging out on the roof of the house. I've only just noticed that I'm pregnant actually.

Did you have a birth plan?

G: I would never have sought a home delivery for a first baby, but I had hoped to deliver naturally. I'm not one of those earth mothers who is adamant in 'taking control' and permitting no intervention during labour. I find all that quite perculiar and, coming from the work I do for the United Nations, quite absurd.

SC: Right now, the airing cupboard's looking pretty good. Failing that, I'll probably just drop 'em behind the sofa while they're watching Big Brother.

What advice has your mother given you?

G: She's done a lot of the nesting for me and she also reminded me to pamper myself for the sake of self-esteem. At her prompting I got my nails done, had a wax, put a pretty dress on and bought pretty underwear. In early pregnancy I couldn't be bothered because all this maintenance is easier said than done. But it's the price of being a woman and it was really important to maintain my femininity.

SC: Stop shitting behind the log basket and watch the dog doesn't eat them once they're born.

Do you plan to keep on working?

G: Yes. I've had the example of a working mother since I was six years old. Work isn't at the forefront of my mind just a few days after giving birth but there are already a few irons in the fire and I plan and hope to act. That's my desire after studying for three years in LA. I feel passionate about movies and stories - that has always been in my blood.

SC: Well, somebody has to bring home the dead mice. I'm a cat about town, there's a whole lot of territory to patrol and having kittens won't stop me doing what's in my blood.

How do you envisage life in ten years time?

G: I have a fantasy of living in a huge house, with a beautiful country garden and loads of kids in it. Loads. I still think I might adopt some. I'm being a very creative person and a very active participant, doing something relevant in the world. The children are joining in with me. I hope they are up for coming along through my adventure as I am engaging with theirs.

SC: Getting up once a day to pee. Or maybe not even getting up.

And how do you sum up motherhood?

G: It's just overwhelming - the biggest life changing experience that's ver happened to me. You can't compare it to the Spice Grils rollercoaster. This is an emotional, spiritual, physical adventure that's going to last a lifetime. Now it's underway, nothing else seems to matter: no success nor all the money in the world could match being a mother with Bluebell in my arms.

SC: It's playing havoc with my ability to jump up on the kitchen surfaces, and I can't quite get my leg behind my head any more but apart from that, not much has changed. I'm sure once I give birth I'll feel different. Lighter probably.

http://www.radiotimes.com/content/features/bigbrother/

In fact, such is my admiration that I've just e-mailed her.

"Grace teaches three year olds. I'm guessing this is why she's getting on so well with Nikki at the moment. But it also worries me immensely, I can picture her retouching that god awful frosty pink lipstick in the toilets between classes and making evil observations about some poor tot's elephant thighs, hitching up her spangly leotard so the final inch of arse is on full display.

Not to worry though. By this time next year, Nikki's only claim to fame will be appearing in a Sun photo story entitled 'Stacey's double trouble'. And Grace will be have been given a new identity and be living in a refuge somewhere with Makosi, Tim and Nasty Nick."

It's been ten minutes and she hasn't replied yet. The live feed must be particularly gripping this morning.

I'm off to spend four days under purple canvas, deep frying myself (hopefully in the sun), bouncing about to bands I've never heard of, talking to people I'll never see again, and generally spacing out.
I can't wait!

Also, my boyfriend has a job interview tomorrow which, if he gets, will mean we can move to Brighton by July, which will mean that when strange African flatmate moves out, I will not have to endure his replacement. Who apparently doesn't make conversation, is fastiduously tidy, has a roadkill collection...you get the idea.

I CANNOT LIVE WITH THIS PERSON! THEREFORE BOYFRIEND HAS TO GET THE JOB! HAS TO! AM GOING TO STOP SHOUTING NOW!

So I will be keeping everything crossed for the next couple of days, including things that really shouldn't be crossed, unless in an emergency. But this is definetely an emergency.

Which adverts make you want to howl, squeeze the cat much too hard, throw things at your TV and ultimately, commit genocide?

I'll start - 'My wrinkles look fuller, and my life is too'

Garrrrghhhation!! Because if Claudia Schiffer's face was a bit saggy, then her entire family would leave, her friends ignore her, shop assistants would refuse to serve her, and her lovely white house would get repossessed. Is it any wonder women are paranoid and vain?

Why is it you assume that if you say something enough times, people will understand it? My dad used to adopt the accent of whoever he was trying to talk to, because he seemed to think that speaking English in a foreign voice somehow made it universally understandable. Luckily for these two, I can't do a very good Chinese accent, so it's grinning and pointing all the way.

I feel really sick, possibly because he of mouldy cheese E-Bay fame spent yesterday defrosting the fridge. There was a big chunk of ice at the back, with things stuck to it. Mushrooms which were evolving into 9 legged beasts, that sort of thing.

http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/article/ds33746.html

This is surely a joke? Parenting tips from Duncan of Blue?

'Always make sure your baby matches your shoes'

'Don't be afraid to use your baby to get girls, sell singles or jazz up an old outfit'

I doubt he even knows how to spell his daughter's name, let alone say it.