http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/story_pages/news/news2.shtml

Slag Cat leaves kittens in the care of my mum whilst she pops out for a spot of cat nip and a stroll on the tiles, and comes back to find one of kittens stuck down sofa.

Geri is calling in the police to deal with this distressing incident.

My sister wanted to call in somebody to chainsaw the sofa in half and save little kitty from death by fluff. My mum was not quite so keen, seeing as sofa cost about £2,000, and was considering liquidising cat food and drip feeding little kitty for rest of it's natural life.

Slag Cat remained unmoved. She had bums to lick (mainly her own).

Happily, Bluebell appears to have recovered from the incident, and I'm sure next time Geri leaves her baby with a total stranger, she'll make sure that it's the baby's father.

http://www.neighbours.com/episodes_uk.html

Sky is pregnant? Karl and Ned have formed a band? Is Karl even allowed to work with kids after being sued twice for medical negligence, lost in the bush about a dozen times and being caught drink driving? Not to mention he only has one song in his repetoire. And Ned? Well, Ned will always have a job filling in for a fence post, but that's about the extent of his talents.

Yes, yes I do want to boast. This is what we can see from our kitchen window:

We don't have all our furniture yet, went out to purchase a wardrobe from the hell hole that is Argos yesterday, and felt very grown up. This didn't last long though, by the time we'd got cushions in Primark and tea towels in Poundland, Olly had ground his teeth down to stubs, and I wanted to spend the remainder of our budget on something incredibly stupid and frivolous. Like a puppy.

This is what I looked like on the first morning in the new abode:

Well, I would have done. Except. We have a lovely white bathroom. At least we did, until last night when, 2 bottles of very cheap wine down, Olly woke up, realised he was in fact, completely arseholed, and pebbledashed the floor, walls, in fact everything except the toilet bowl with bright red vomit. And then had to spend an hour cleaning the bathroom. In the nude, as he hadn't had time to put any pants on before answering the call of the cistern. I freak out at the mere mention of the word 'sick' so fled to the other room and washed my hands a few hundred times, before trying to sleep on the floor but being kept awake by Brighton's 3 million or so yelling, singing drunks.

Still, domestic bliss is reigning supreme so far, bluebirds cheeping etc.

Oh, and there was joyous news for slapheads throughout the land today, as scientists announced they may have found a cure for baldness!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20060830/hl_afp/afplifestylebritainhealthhair_060830141011

Surely a cure for beer guts must be on the horizon?