I started this blog as somewhere to vent when the problem I have with anxiety and depression went a bit haywire last summer. I know some people don't like miserable blogs, but to them I say 'tough!' This site isn't about meeting other people's expectations. Lots of people find it helpful to write down their feelings, and they're not necessarily just looking for sympathy or attention. Although of course it's always nice to get a response, I don't think that's the main reason so many use their blog as an emotional soapbox.
When I started writing here last year, I had about one visitor a month, but that wasn't really the point. Writing made me feel better, and that's why I continue to do it. I don't like diaries, there's always the constant worry that somebody might find it. You can be completely anonymous on the internet, and that's why I like to use it as a sort of confession box. If I write about feeling bad, it isn't an attempt at getting sympathy, more just a way of getting all the crap out of my head, for your reading pleasure. OK, maybe not, but I couldn't get this far without being slightly sarcastic.
My stomach hurts, which is always a sign I need to do some emotional purging. It's perfectly normal to feel down after a termination. Not like on Eastenders, where any female character who has so much as considered one acts as though it's an experience akin to having your soul scraped out with a rusty knife. More like a misty feeling of regret and sadness, coupled with relief that your food stays where you put it, and you can stay awake for longer than twenty minutes at a time.
I was absolutely convinced that I didn't want a baby, from the day I found out that there was one in residence. The whole concept was far too terrifying to even contemplate. You haven't even considered all the things you'll have to give up, until you're faced with the reality of having to do it. I didn't feel in the slightest bit fluffy, I just wanted it over with.
I still don't want a baby. But I'm also not really up for going out, drinking, staying up late and all the other stuff I was adamant that I wasn't ready to part with. My boyfriend has been wonderful but I can tell that all he feels is relief. He sees it as making a choice not to have a child, but I feel that in some way we've lost one. Even though it was my decision, I feel that a couple of years down the line, we would have gone ahead with the pregnancy, planned or not. Thinking like this is not helpful. But somehow it seems necessary. I feel as though I need to consider the full weight of what has happened, and also that it would be disrespectful to brush it all aside like I've just had my tonsils removed.
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2006-10-22 @ 16:19