Danger wanking is the art of masturbation in places where the perpetrator is likely to be caught. There are a variety of levels, from amateur (stood in a window) to perversion professional (buck naked at the top of the stairs whilst your girlfriend, her parents and your parents are making polite conversation in the lounge. That was Sparky's particularly proud achievement).

Sparky was determined to top this golden moment that very night. And Brighton was probably the place he was least likely to get arrested in doing it. He gave us a demonstration on the dancefloor, to Bohemian Rhapsody. The boy has rhythm. And, if his 'strokes' were to be believed, a rather impressive man stick reaching to his chin. However, the best he could manage was a 'danger piss' behind a bin outside the club, after which, he forgot to do his trousers up, and did a 'danger walk' up the street.

At 5am, he announced he was going to have a danger wank in my wardrobe. He'd already spilt beer on my duvet, made love to my curtain, started a fight with a giant plastic flower and threatened to give Danny 'the seeing to of his life'. Happily, I managed to persuade him this wasn't the best idea. Mainly by shouting and dragging him out by the ear. Well, they've got to learn.