How did this happen? Why did this happen? My money's on the farm dog getting amorous with Stumpy's mother, and failing to play it safe.

She's gonna have a hard time convincing her husband that he is the father of the little multi-legged freak. But, you play away, you have to pay (or rather, Stumpy does).

BUT.

Should I ever end up at the right end of the aisle. Should some shiny teethed, slick haired, glutton for punishment decide that my righful place is as his common law wife...

Then THIS is is the style in which I plan to make my entrance. The song itself will sound just as good on the organ. My dancing is only slightly shoddier than the ginger one.

I'm pretty sure that 'Celebrity Birthwatch' is only a reality show or two away. We've already had 'Celebrity Enema', which I'm told is similar to giving birth. Watching Richard Blackwood have the contents of his gut given the Dyson treatment was immensely satisfying. The nation would probably be equally amazed and enthralled by Z-listers pulling out their hair extensions in handfuls as the next contraction reaches its peak.