I don’t think they’ll need to worry about the lighting. The luminous glow from his skin will be all the audience need to prevent themselves from dropping their Cornettos in their laps.

Can you imagine the colour of our children? (because I will be fighting fang and tail to get backstage, ply my vampire bride with Bacardi until he’s no idea if he’s Arthur or Martha and commit acts of gross indecency with him).

I'm not much darker than paper myself. They’d be as transparent as glass. Allergic to light. We would be parents to a brood of very sarcastic Hattifatners.

There seem to be reams and reams of information on two things: how to put on a condom, and how to escape a fire. Clearly, these things are very difficult to manage without instructions. Or very easy, which is why nobody has bothered taking a leaflet. I’ve noticed that there is nothing on how to put on a condom during a fire, or how put out a fire with a condom.

Anyway, the best one I’ve found so far, which has nothing to do with latex or burning buildings is ‘101 Ways to Show You Love Somebody (without having sex).’

For example:
number 34 – go to the library
number 78 – laugh at something funny together
number 69 – rent a video
number 44 – cut each others toenails

It’s mighty confusing. Methinks if you were to take this sort of stuff seriously, you could end up believing yourself to be something of an uber-slut.

Whenever I laugh in the cinema or at the pub, does everyone who laughs simultaneously think that there’s something more meaningful going on? I used to cut my rabbit’s toenails, but this wasn’t an expression of love, more domination, (the library doesn’t concern me much, it’s difficult enough to find life in there, let alone emotion.)

It would also make your partner uber-paranoid, if you innocently laugh, play Frisbee, or go for a bus trip (number 90) with anybody other than them:

‘Don’t lie to me! I know you love him!’
‘Eh? Wha?’
‘I SAW you. I saw you reading a book and discussing it (number 82)’

2) Does 'blog.co.uk - made by you' sound like it's been adapted from a loan company advert?

3) Can anybody seriously believe that this headline made it to press?

I don't understand why this country can't cope with the weather. It's not like we've never seen rain before? If we were all living in mud huts, and our public transport system consisted of harnessing a cow to a cart and seeing how far we could get before it keeled over, then maybe this state of crisis would be more understandable?

However, seeing as our drainage systems are sending up a stream of distress signals from beneath the deluge, here is a man who could provide a formiddable flood barrier and save the UK from this soggy bottomed scenario:

We saw an amazing band at Latitude called The Puppini Sisters, which left us prostrate with jealousy at the conservative yet very sexee style of the singers.

Hence, in an attempt to inject some retro glamour into our own scruffy existence (particularly essential after 4 days sans shower, a wet wipe only goes so far y'know), everybody has been invited to dress up in 1940's gear.

I have the dress, the shoes, the lipstick. I've never worn them all together. I haven't worn a dress AND lipstick since I was five. But it's the hair that's playing havoc with my inner calm.

I want it to look like this:

But the likelihood is this:

Tonight is 'making my wellingtons aesthetically pleasing' night. Am going to decorate them with the leftover strawberry printed laminate I bought to cover up the horrible kitchen cupboards. You can see this below, modelled by the lovely Oliver, and ignored by the lovely Cath.

Funky, no?

So why, when I have been left alone in my shiny, shiny office (which I share with 2 others but they are only part time), and I have a report to write on immigration policy which will have to be handed into my line manager at the end of my induction, and which is looking quite horribly complicated at present....why, good bloggers, am I faffing about on t'internet?

Alernative uses for a removed appendix:

- an attractive earring
- ear cleaner
- dog toy
- paper weight
- halloween treat for small child

Here’s her latest observation, after an afternoon siesta in the annexe next to the house, which has very thick curtains and blocks out pretty much all outside noise (even pneumatic drilling. Trust me, it’s been tried and tested).

‘It was so quiet in there. I slept so well, it was like being dead. I’m not afraid of death anymore. It’s going to be just like the annexe.’

“I gasped in wonderousment as Pete peeled off his DKNY boxers, to reveal the infamous ‘acorn willy’ he’d been teased about in the jungle. It may have been as brown as a nut (like the rest of his beautifulled body), but it was no way as small! I’d say it was at least the size of a Lion bar! It throbbed like heavy machinery, which I knew I was definitely prepared to operate!!

10.30 - Amazing Animals

10.45 - Summer Recipes

11.00 - The world's only transexual pornstar, live and barely clothed in our very own studio!?!

Anyway, I’m in Wales for the week, with a hot water bottle lodged firmly up my jumper at all times. It really is that cold here. I know that vegetarians are supposed to have thin blood and it’s a common belief that a gust of wind would probably rip their papery skin right off their hollow bones, but it’s frickin’ July! I had renounced any clothing with more than three stitches holding it together until at least mid-September. Am going to a festival in two weeks time, and I want to drink warm cider under a tree strewn with fairy lights, not hot toddy in a tent sodden with misery. Give us back our summer!