Does that not scream crazy kiddy fun? Perhaps it's a little too much crazy kiddy fun for a child whose main source of cerebral stimulation is the Eastenders omnibus.

It is a bit murky in there. And due to rigorous protesting from those woolly-hatted animal rights types, most of the fish on display can also be found on a local shore near you. In fact, I'd recommend they re-name it the Pond Life Centre.

But surely, if anything, the kid should have been under-whelmed. Maybe even scanning a copy of The Times and sighing heavily as his fellow tots squeaked and gurgled and banged on the glass with sticky hands. Not, the second his eyes met those of a fairly affable carp, making a noise like this:

'Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!'

He continued to make this noise all the way through the centre, past the Kingdom of the Sea Horse, through the Valley of the Crab etc. In fact, he only briefly shut up when I allowed him to empty a packet of crisps on the floor and trample on them. Normally that sort of thing keeps him happy for a worryingly long time, but he could sense the brine soaked stare of Lulu the sea turtle, and resumed his wailing quick smart.

I gave up. I don't want to open a newspaper in a few years time to read that the kid has gone on a murderous rampage with a breadknife, and blamed it all on a childhood ordeal at the Sea Life Centre. What would the neighbours say?