You see (or, you will see), this week, I am experimenting with chewy sweets. Because on Saturday, Queen Nicotine will no longer reign in the Kingdom of My Lungs. She is being booted off the throne as part of a general overhaul. The people want environmental purity! A sounder economy! To go to sleep at night without the image of a giant throat tumor nagging at them! I may even chop the head off a cigarette, just to be symbolic.

But, the people realise, that's it's not as simple as all that. There's going to be an empty space in their lives. Namely, a series of five minute periods throughout the day which were previously filled by getting dizzy on tobacco.

So, the people have chosen sweets as the ideal candiate to fill this void. You don't have to huddle in the street like a vagrant to eat sweets. Or spend six hours on a train craving one.

You may be fat and toothless in six months time, but your hair and fingers will be as fragrant as Lemon Cif, and your lungs as clear as the first day of spring.