So my mum, like many others, has turned to the internet to find love, companionship, and somebody to argue over the washing up with. She’s been using a local service, as living in west Wales means that most potential suitors are discouraged by the huge distances they’ll have to travel for a cup of coffee and an awkward exchange.
The other week, she heard from somebody called Brian. He struck her as quite a shy, reserved sort of man. They exchanged polite text messages for a while, before she decided it was time to find out more about him (was he confident using a washing machine etc.) Brian wasn’t very forthcoming. In fact, he was positively shady. Suspecting some dark, oozing secret, my mum pursued the matter like a ravenous bloodhound would a butcher’s van. Well, she is a social worker.
Turns out, she already knew Brian. Not personally, but by reputation.
One report described him as looking “like a beast with mad cow disease”. What a step father this man would make!
He'd have probably turned up on their first date bearing a cat's head scooped clean and filled with Quality Street. I suspect he cuts his toe nails with a chain saw. I'm pretty sure he wears a loin cloth made from dried-out human skin when relaxing in the shack he calls home.
She HAS to go out with him. I've offered to chaperone. I'll hire a stun gun if necessary.