I'm going to sue Primark. Not because of their dodgy credentials with regard to foreign employees. Not because their store policy seems to be allowing at least twenty screaming children on every floor. Not because the security guard gave me a very funny look.

No, it's because their low low prices incite the kind of murderous frenzy in women which meant that on Saturday, I was hit in the face with a boot by one of their customers. She apologised, I apologised ('tis the English way), but I'm left suffering from PTSD whenever I venture in there anyway, and this, coupled with concussion, well, it's just not on.