The papers are convinced it's a virtual drive-by for identity thiefs and paedophiles.

The people who use it have to log on every fifteen seconds to update their status - 'Max has finished his sandwich now and is contemplating a bowel movement'.

The people who don't use it snort and fuss and generally curse it's existence, citing it as the reason society is breaking down, the planet is heating up, and why they never get invited to parties.

The majority of people who have an account and aren't afraid to use it, are British. As we all know, the British don't like to make eye contact with strangers or sit next to them on trains. Unless of course, they've consumed a frothing vat of alcohol, in which case they will hug, kiss, lick, dry hump or assault anybody that happens to enter their blurry line of vision. Does this suggest to anybody else that we are a nation starved of affection, that all we really want to do is reach out and touch somebody, but we're worried we might catch something? And that it's only through numbing our brains and having our faces go a bit wonky that we can gather the courage to express ourselves? To ask for love? And acceptance? And phone numbers?

I think Facebook addresses this need. It's a safe and hygienic way of doing all those things to your friends that your hormones say you need to, but your heritage won't allow. You can poke, slap, spank, spoon, without awkwardness or restrain. Or a hangover for that matter.