There is a sixth form college just up the road from where we live, and every morning, the entire cast of Skins pass our flat. I swear to God teenagers have got better looking, not to mention better dressed, than in my day. It’s like London Fashion Week out there of a morning, with the pointy shoes, and the silly hair. The amount of jewellery they have hanging off them means that en masse, it sounds as if they are wearing cow bells. Hmm, and I sound like Mary Whitehouse.
Anyway, back to my original point. Which I don’t think I’ve mentioned yet.
Yesterday, one of the skinny minions that Topshop design impossibly small clothes for (easy Mary) collapsed on the pavement outside our window. No big deal, I doubt you can fit breakfast in when you’re wearing jeans that tight. Ram a Mars bar between her glossy lips and send her on her way.
Except it’s not the first time. I’ve witnessed the same event at least three times before on my way to work. I can’t be sure if it’s the same girl, she’s always surrounded by a group of concerned friends that won’t let me get a proper look. But for the sake of my point (and I promise you, there will be one) lets say that it is.
What could be the cause? It can’t be normal to routinely pass out like that. They didn’t even bother to call the ambulance out yesterday, so it must be a fairly regular occurrence. Ignoring any nasty medical disorders (‘cos they’re just no fun), could it be:
Hypothesis a) sheer weight of jewellery, hairspray, make-up and teenage confidence causes girl to collapse?
Hypothesis b) Village of the Damned scenario, in which aliens cause girl to pass out in order to impregnate her with their evil, pale-haired spawn?
Hypothesis c) girl just loves the challenge of removing dog faeces and chewing gum from her hair?
No. There is only one logical conclusion. She has fainting goat syndrome.