Hmm, overdone it on the Appletize at the premiere did we girls?

Who's up for a night out at the eco nightclub? It looks like a bit of a laugh. Power up the dancefloor with a few enthusiastic groin thrusts. Knock back a couple of energy efficient vodkas. Totter to the toilets in a pair of vegetarian high heels. Just be careful not to get your carefully-styled hair caught in the wind turbine. That might be messy.

I tend to get rather agressive when drunk, so am pretty sure they could power the entire club with my mouth. All that's needed is an organic, ethically sourced falafel stand in place of the standard kebab shop. Oh, and the ability to cycle home at the end of the evening, rather than slither into a taxi and vomit up the content of your eco evening. Beause the driver will be scrubbing it off the seat with bleach, not Ecover, and you'll have to start reducing your carbon footprint all over again

So while Angelina lies back in the west wing of the maternity ward, annointing her nipples with talcum powder made from ground up peacock feathers, pausing to whisper a brief meditation before sipping at a cup of Tetley brewed by a tone deaf Shamen at the peak of the Himalayas...

It wasn't an easy start for Bubble. Her mother hadn't really embraced the pregnancy. In fact, she hadn't planned it at all, she was nose-deep in the grass one day when Bubble's father came up behind her and...well actually she just carried on chewing a particularly tasty dandelion and ignored whatever was going on back there.

When we finally get back to the goat house, Bubble is making progress. She's had a very brisk rub-down with a towel and some Pro-Plus. Bubble's mother is trying to start a fight with Kate Humble. Eventually, Bubble is released back into the wild and her mother is arrested for drink driving and given a six month custodial sentence. Another heart-warming success story down at Animal Park. Tune in tomorrow to see Beaky, the anaemic pelican, fall down a hole.

The gods are not smiling on me today. In fact they've pissed right on my chips.

I want to hit someone. Who should it be? There are a few obvious candidates here in the office, but this would not be without consequence. Although I could use my current appearance as proof of temporary insanity.

Olly's wayward sister has had another baby. He is called Dave, after his father, who is called Dave, after his father, who is called Dave, after his father...ad infinitum. Their family tree is like a hall of mirrors.

How smart are you?

I got *cough* 18 out of 20, but I've e-mailed the BBC and pointed out that being reunited with a long lost brother is an experience that deserves an exclamation mark, therefore my score should be 19. I expect to hear from them before the end of the day.