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Cake and fine wine
by Emsbabee @ 2008-07-24 - 12:10:02

Or rather, cheesecake and fizzy wine. Anyway, vast consumption of these have used up my calorie intake for the entire week. That's the problem with birthdays, people want to make you fat. And drunk.

I watched a programme on home birth the other week. This woman squatted on a sheet in her front room, spat the baby out of her downstairs pout and went to make a cup of tea. Incredible! No mooing, or pooing, or urm, gluing back together everything that had split or stretched in the process.

I'd like a home birth. I don't want to spend sixteen hours on a hospital ward, screaming until I'm as purple as the child I'm trying to force out. I'd stock up on anti-bacterial wipes and watch the Neighbours omnibus until the moment arrived. If the pain got particularly horrific, I could chew on the sofa arm or something. That's what they used to do in medieval times. Well, except they didn't have sofas, they used sticks.

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soyunperdedorsoyunperdedor pro
http://soyunperdedor.blog.co.uk
2008-07-24 @ 12:11

The pooing terrifies me. More so than the tearing. POOING.

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EmsbabeeEmsbabee pro
2008-07-24 @ 12:13

God I know. POOING! IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE! REPEATEDLY!

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soyunperdedorsoyunperdedor pro
http://soyunperdedor.blog.co.uk
2008-07-24 @ 12:18

I read a sentence once that has stuck with me forever. It isn't particularly horrific, but it's humiliating image has haunted me ever since:

"It is not uncommon for faecal matter to be expelled during birth, particularly as constipation is common in the later stages of pregnancy. The attending midwife or nurse will wipe this away discreetly."

Fuuuuck.

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EmsbabeeEmsbabee pro
2008-07-24 @ 12:26

Discreetly? It better be pretty fucking discreet. I'd like them to knock me out completely before they do it.

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JuzzzyJuzzzy pro
http://juzzzy.blog.co.uk
2008-07-24 @ 12:28

That's put me right off my lunchtime Gu.

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EmsbabeeEmsbabee pro
2008-07-24 @ 12:31

Send it this way then.

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rowtheboatrowtheboat pro
http://rowtheboat.blog.co.uk/
2008-07-24 @ 13:37

Some women can apparently get an orgasm during birth.

Others have episiotomies, though - and no prizes for guessing which of the two is the most common.

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EmsbabeeEmsbabee pro
2008-07-24 @ 13:46

I just Googled episiotomy. I got a diagram. I would post it here, but then my blog may be deleted for containing offensive material.

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rowtheboatrowtheboat pro
http://rowtheboat.blog.co.uk/
2008-07-24 @ 13:48

Bring on Brave New World, that's what I say. Hurrah for test tubes!

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EmsbabeeEmsbabee pro
2008-07-24 @ 13:49

I wonder if you could grow a baby in a greenhouse?

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rowtheboatrowtheboat pro
http://rowtheboat.blog.co.uk/
2008-07-24 @ 15:12

Would certainly liven things up at the Chelsea Flower Show.

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EmsbabeeEmsbabee pro
2008-07-25 @ 13:27

A bloody paper trail would liven things up at the Chelsea Flower Show.

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sweetymonsweetymon [Member]
2008-07-24 @ 12:41

Everytime I get broody, I read things like that and it puts me right off :>> x

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EmsbabeeEmsbabee pro
2008-07-24 @ 12:45

Do you think they do it on purpose? x

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sweetymonsweetymon [Member]
2008-07-24 @ 12:48

I wouldnt be surprised if they did! On the bright side, everytime I read about cake I fancy some, so I shall have cake later :) x

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rowtheboatrowtheboat pro
http://rowtheboat.blog.co.uk/
2008-07-24 @ 13:33

I'd love to comment, but I'm too busy trying to kick-start my lungs again after hysterical laughter at the phrase, "...spat the baby out of her downstairs pout..."

JenniebabyJenniebaby [Member]
2008-07-24 @ 16:03

Surrogacy...

Definitely the way to go!

RunDontWalkRunDontWalk pro
http://menomamauk.blog.co.uk
2008-07-25 @ 01:55

Drugs I tells ya. That's the answer to all questions and problems.

When the child birth pains get to be too much, grab the nurse and yell 'Injections NOW, fer the love of Gawd!!'

xxxx

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